After a 22-year-old NJ man with autism died, I couldn’t stop thinking about my own sons

You have so much stress when you’re an autism parent, you barely have enough energy left for the guilt. Guilt if it was something I did. Guilt if I can’t get my non-verbal child to find his voice. Guilt if I yelled too loudly when trying to stop him from putting holes right through the walls in a meltdown. Guilt of what it's all doing to his older neurotypical siblings.

Autism changes your life. It steals it, then hands it back to you with an alternate ending no Hollywood screenwriter would dare turn in.

The Tragedy

One day last week, we did an hour on-air that was the single hardest of my career. After a 22-year-old man with autism fell to his death from a third-story window, his family may sue the day program that was supposed to be carefully watching him.

He was left to die on the ground below for several minutes before staff even came outside, according to the family. You can read this tragic story of Justin McCafferty here. 

Their Grief Is Our Fear

The pain the parents are feeling is the pain of all autism parents' ultimate fear. The worry that our beloved child won’t stand a chance in a world too cold and dangerous for them.

I think my voice that day was already breaking while explaining the tragic event. By the time I started sharing my personal experiences with my two sons on the spectrum, I knew for certain I was talking through tears. I know I shared the time my son "eloped" and ran out of the house and I saved him at the last moment possible from being hit by a car by taking the hit myself.

Jeff Shares His Thoughts

I’m not sure what else I shared, because I haven’t been able to listen back to the hour. It’s too deeply personal for me to do that. I can't.

Yet we’re sharing the full hour below because I know if you’re a parent who loves a child with autism, you’re stressed out beyond belief. I know you’re exhausted and think your life is too damn weird for anyone to understand. I know in that secret place in your heart, you gave up many times, only to hang on and get back to being the incredibly strong mom or dad you are.

I know you’ll feel less alone if you listen to this. You’ll feel some acceptance and understanding, you'll see your own life in other people's calls, and possibly even feel a bit seen for the first time in a while.

The Hour

OK To Not Be OK

A 2009 University of Wisconsin - Madison study concluded that mothers of children with autism can have the same physical markers that indicate the PTSD level of combat soldiers exposed to long-term stress.

So listen to this hour, and if it helps, listen to it whenever you need to. And please keep Justin McCafferty, the young man who died, and his grieving family in your thoughts or prayers. If you’re also an autism parent like me, imagine the exhaustion and stress and love and challenges and heartbreaks and pride along the way for 22 years only to have your worst fear realized despite everything you did.

May their hearts heal over time, and may Justin be in a better place.

Opinions expressed in the post above are those of New Jersey 101.5 talk show host Jeff Deminski only.

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